The Perils of Lemon
by flashwitch
Summary: How did Rodney and Carson get to know each other? Why does Rodney call Carson his best friend? Here's a story exploring that. NOT SLASH.
1. Chapter 1

**This started off as a pre-series story about how Carson and Rodney became good friends. Then it sort of evolved. It also mentions the Pegasus Project and Sheppard giving Mitchell the lemon, but that's just in the last chapter. **

**I don't own Atlantis or SG1.  


* * *

**

Carson fidgeted in the elevator, and glanced over at the soldier riding down with him. He'd just been flown in on a helicopter from Scotland, where he'd been visiting his Mum for her birthday. They'd flown him down here to Antarctica with no explanation. All they would give him was some nonsense about the gene he'd recently discovered and the fate of the world. All hyperbole, he was sure. He glanced at his escort again, a Robert Stackhouse, but the man was infuriatingly difficult to read.

The elevator finally reached the bottom floor and Carson was swept up in a whirlwind of information that just left him more confused. Apparently, aliens were real. So was the lost city of Atlantis. The gene he'd discovered? Was magical and could make the alien technology work.

Yeah, right.

He was looking around for the hidden cameras. But, if it was a gag, it was elaborate one and remarkably well pulled off. Did he know anyone who could pull off this sort of thing? No, not really. He was whisked off to a med lab and put in charge.

Oh dear.

* * *

"Dr Beckett. I hope you've settled in." He'd been there a few hours and had started reading through various files. "We have your first patient inbound. Someone's slipped Dr McKay some lemon."

"What? I'm sorry, I haven't had time to get acquainted with everyone's patient history..."

"He's the head of science, and an annoying hypochondriac, and the head scientist." She reached into a filing cabinet as she spoke and handed over a file, as a plump man was wheeled in on a gurney. He was in a severe state of anaphylactic shock.

"Right, epinephrine, now. Oxygen." He barked out as he assessed his patient. The man's lips were turning blue and he was swollen up something terrible. "Yeah, I don't like his colour. We need to trach him."

* * *

Carson sat at Dr McKay's bedside, feeling somewhat proprietary about his first patient as CMO. He was still trying desperately to get up to speed with everything that was going on.

"Dr Beckett." Dr Weir, the project leader, said as she entered the infirmary. "How is he?"

"Oh, he'll be fine. We did have a couple of scares, but he's doing better now. It'll be a while before he's up to much though, and he'll need at least a couple of days in the infirmary."

"Good to hear he's doing alright." She paused, standing by the head of the bed. "I don't understand what happened. He's usually so careful with about what he eats."

"Aye, with the list of allergies in his file, he'd have to be."

"I'll be speaking to the cooks about this. They know better than to serve Rodney citrus, he's reminded them often enough." She smiled and her hand twitched as though she wanted to stroke his hair. She cleared her throat. "Well, I'm sure you're busy, I'll leave you to it."

"Dr Weir."

* * *

It was an hour or so later when Carson closed the file he was on and scrubbed a hand across his face. This was just... he felt like Alice down the rabbit hole. 'Star-gates', ancient Gods, people who've come back from the dead. Repeatedly. And he'd barely made a dent in the stack of files. He traced a finger over the 'Classified' stamp on the buff background. Why him? He wasn't one for adrenaline and adventure. He was a Doctor, not an action hero!

He became aware of an increase in the steady beep of the heart monitor, and found himself looking into frightened blue eyes.

"Ah, Dr McKay I presume." He smiled. "I'm Dr Beckett, the new CMO. You had an allergy attack, and went into severe anaphylactic shock." He was surprised that at that news, the fear in the man's eyes faded, and his heart rate and breathing slowed. "We had to put you on the ventilator an you've had epinephrine and intravenous antihistamines. I wouldn't be surprised if you were feeling a little shaky or if you have a headache." He grinned at the eye roll he received. He supposed that Dr McKay had been through this quite a few times, he was very blasé about it all. Carson had never met anyone with such expressive blue eyes. "We'll keep the vent and the IV on for now, but you'll be right as rain in no time flat."

Rodney made a writing motion, and Carson handed him a pen and paper.

Someone spiked my food. 

"What? Are ye sure?"

I had the meatloaf. It's supposed to be safe. The only food allergy I haven't grown out of that's severe enough to do this is citrus. That's not in the meatloaf. I've had it dozens of times. 

"Maybe the chefs made a mistake?"

No. They know better. They know that if they I'll show them exactly why the words evil and genius commonly go together. 

That startled a laugh from Carson, and McKay gave him a pained smirk.

"Dr Weir, this is Dr Beckett." Carson said, fumbling with the radio headset he'd been given. "Dr McKay is awake."

"Rodney!" She entered the infirmary within a few minutes and came to stand by the bed. "How is he?"

"He'll be fine." Carson grinned as he noticed the eye roll McKay gave as they spoke over him. "But he says someone spiked his food."

"What? Rodney, are you sure?"

Yes, Elizabeth. I'm not a complete idiot. I know what food is safe, and this should have been.

"The chefs...?"

The chefs know better, they're all scared of me anyway. They know what I'll do if they feed me lemon.

"Do you have any idea who would do this?"

Well, all my staff hate me. And most of the soldiers. And probably the chefs, but I think they fear me more. The only people who don't hate me are you, that little Japanese chickie who's always underfoot, and Dr Beckett. But he's only just got here this morning.

"Rodney! I'm sure that's not true!" Elizabeth said, as Carson was yet again startled into a laugh.

Oh, you think that Beckett already hates me?

"Rodney!" This time Dr Weir couldn't hold back an exasperated smile. Beckett laughed again as he noticed the twinkle of mischief in his patients eyes.

"Please, Dr McKay, it's Carson." Rodney gave a shallow nod. From the panic when he woke, Carson had expected him to be more upset and afraid, but then he supposed this was fairly old hat to Rodney. Maybe not the people trying to kill him (although in his file it said the NID had tried), but he'd had his first allergy attack at two years old.

* * *

**You see the pretty little review button? It's feeling neglected. Go on, give it a push, you know you want to...**


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Carson removed the breathing tube and McKay could talk with his finger pressed to the hole in his throat. Carson discovered that he was endearingly cranky and very quick witted. Although Rodney was quick with a barb, Carson could tell that the man didn't mean half of them. His brain to mouth filter was just broken, and Carson could give as good as he got.

Colonel Sumner had started an investigation into the lemoned food, but so far there wasn't much to go on. Everyone was denying any knowledge. He'd also assigned Rodney a guard in case of any further assassination attempts.

Most of the scientists were already cleared. They'd all seemed honestly shocked and offended that someone would attack Dr McKay.

"We might not all like the man, but we do respect him. And we need him." Was how Dr Zelenka put it.

The only one who hadn't seemed appalled was a Dr Kavanagh. Sumner would be keeping an eye on him.

The chefs were also pretty much excluded from the investigation. When Sumner had informed them of what had happened, they all went pale and swallowed convulsively. Then they had immediately began gathering as many of Rodney's favourites as they could plate up in self defence.

Carson laughed again when the tray arrived in the infirmary, along with a sincere, if terrified note of apology.

* * *

Drs Zelenka and Kusanagi came by to visit and seemed happy McKay was on the mend, even though he couldn't remember either of their names.

"You aren't very good at reading people, are you, Lad?" Carson asked after they'd left.

"I guess not." Rodney shrugged. "Computers are easier and not as boring. Why?"

"You honestly don't know, do you? Why do you think the chefs sent you a tray of goodies?"

"Because they fear my awesome powers? They're terrified of me."

"Well, aye, there is that." Carson smiled. "But what about Miko, and Dr Zelenka? Do you think someone forced them to come?"

"I'm their boss." He shrugged again. "They have to be nice to me."

* * *

"Dr Kavanagh. You've made your feelings about Dr McKay very clear." Sumner stated.

"I just say what everybody is thinking."Kavanagh crossed his arms and tossed his ponytail.

"You know of Dr McKay's citrus allergy?"

"Everyone knows about that. He tells us about it often enough." Sumner raised an eyebrow at Kavanagh's scornful tone. "Oh. You aren't seriously trying to pin this on me? Because I didn't do it. McKay is a dick, sure, but he's not worth some elaborate murder plot. Besides, if I'd tried to kill McKay, he'd be dead."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. It is. If I were you I'd ask Weir's pet monkey; Grodin. He hates McKay almost as much as I do, and if he didn't try and kill McKay himself, he'll know who did. All the gossip on the base goes through him first."

* * *

The next morning, Kavanagh showed up in the infirmary to hassle McKay. He demanded being placed in charge of the Science Department while McKay was incapacitated and he had a list of complaints.

"... And stay out!" Carson shouted after him, slamming the door. "That man is _the _ most vile person I have ever had the displeasure to meet! He acted like you were dying and he wanted your stereo and then he implied that it was your own fault you were in here!"

"He's always like that." Rodney waved off Carson's anger. "And judging by the papers he's written, he's brilliant. So, he lacks tact. And common sense. And basic human emotion." Rodney shrugged.

"I don't know how you put up with him, I really don't." Carson shook his head, helplessly.

* * *

"Mr Grodin-"

"Ah, Dr Grodin if you please."

"Of course, my apologies." Sumner's smile was a little forced. "You've heard of Dr McKay's accident?"

"OF course, who hasn't? But it wasn't an accident, was it?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Please. It's simple deductive reasoning. The man is ridiculously paranoid about what he puts in his mouth. And there's no way the chefs would slip up and give him citrus. They're terrified of him! And they'd never hear the end of it. Besides, why else would you be here asking me questions about him?"

"Right." Sumner said dryly, looking irritated (although whether with himself or Grodin was unclear). "What do you think of Dr McKay?"

"The man's a genius, as he's often told us." Grodin smiled. "I think he honestly tries his hardest, and is nearly as intelligent as he claims. He's also a bloody irritating prick, but his brain might save us all one day."

"Do you know of anyone who bears a grudge against him?"

"Well, there's Kavanagh of course, but I assume you've already spoken to him, since you're talking to me. Anyway, he's spineless. He'd never actually try and hurt him, he's too much of a coward."

"Thank you for your time." Sumner said, getting ready to leave. He was frustrated. The investigation was going nowhere.

"Wait."

"What?"

"I seem to recall that Dr McKay was having trouble with a few of your soldiers. Harmless pranks mostly, but a couple of times they actually got quite vicious."

"Why didn't I know this?" Sumner's voice was darkly aggressive.

"Well, you're quite terrifying, you know." Grodin said, cheerily. "Zelenka should know more. He's really surprisingly protective of McKay, even if McKay doesn't know who he is."

* * *

"Do predele!" Radek stormed out of the infirmary shouting in his native Czech.

"Did you have to be so hard on him, Rodney?" McKay wanted out of the infirmary. He was bored and taking it out on anyone who stayed around long enough. Carson was particularly sorry for his military guard. "And don't think I'm fooled by your pretending to forget his name. You are a genius, after all."

"It keeps him on his toes."Rodney smirked. "It's good for him. Besides, he's only worked for me for a couple of months, I'll bother remembering his name after a year or so. I'm still training him."

"I thought he headed his own department."

"He does, but engineering? Please. It's barely a real department. He still answers to me."

Rodney's voice was on odd mix of sadness and pride. Carson frowned at the tone. It was almost... wistful.

* * *

**See the little review button. Whatever you do, don't press it. No! Don't! I mean it!**


	3. Chapter 3

"Dr Zelenka, is everything alright? You seem agitated."

"I visit McKay in infirmary. Man is infuriating! He insisted on working, even though he can barely breathe, and he's doing his best to drive man who's trying to help him crazy!" He went off on a rant in his native Czech, that left Sumner staring, confused. He shook himself.

"I heard that some of my soldiers have been harassing Dr McKay."

"Yes." Zelenka's voice was tight.

"Do you know who?"

"Of course. Just look for the soldiers without hot water and electricity."

"Excuse me?"

* * *

In the infirmary, Rodney had shaken off his strange mood and was back to being bored and pissy.

"I want out of here, Carson." Rodney growled, a cross between angry alpha male, and petulant two year old.

"And I said no." Carson replied, calm as anything. He flipped the page over in the file he was reading.

"Why not!" Rodney's voice went up an octave.

"Because I said so." Carson replied. But Rodney looked so miserable, and he really was so desperate to get back to work, that Carson relented slightly. "I know it's hard for you, but you're still weak. You still have a hole in your throat. And I want you where I can treat you if something happens again. We don't know if the food is entirely safe."

"But it's annoying! I can't get anything done here, and Ziplonka is sure to screw something up if I leave him unsupervised for too long."

"The Doc's right, McKay." The current guard said. "You're safe in an infirmary bed."

"Oh, oh, I see! This is a conspiracy, isn't it? You just want to keep me here!" Rodney folded his arms. He glared at the soldier. "And who are you anyway?"

"No one of any importance, sir." The soldier, Evan Lorne, replied, without missing a beat. He'd actually known McKay for a while, since the scientist had visited the SGC back when Lorne worked there. Every time they'd run into each other since, Rodney had claimed not to know him. Lorne was never sure how much of it was pretence.

"Rodney, enough!" Carson growled. "We want to keep you safe, lad. If anything else nearly kills you, I'll be able to treat you right away. If we let you out on the base, you might get yourself killed. What if someone slipped something more deadly into your food? It's just not safe for you to wander around by your lonesome."

"You make me sound like a retarded five year old."

"If the boot fits." Lorne coughed at the angelic look on Carson's face as he delivered that line.

"Genius here! Anyway, I'm sure Soldier-Boy is competent enough to protect me. I just want to go to the labs! He can handle a few scientists!"

"That's Fly-Boy!" Lorne put in.

"Whatever!"

"Never mind, Rodney. I'm the Doctor here, and you're staying put." Carson nodded as though that settled things.

"Ha! I'm a doctor too! And not of some pseudo-scientific voodoo like medicine! And I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I've been doing it for twenty odd years!"

"And doing a terrible job by my standards!" Carson shot back. "You really are in terrible condition, you know."

"Hey! I'm a scientist, not an action hero!" That reflected Carson's thoughts on the first day so perfectly that he did a double take.

"Can't you be both?" Lorne asked, and then played his ace in the hole. "Like Dr Carter?"

"Who asked you? Anyway, Samantha is special. She's a genius and an air force officer. Not to mention a stunner. She wants me. I can tell. There's a lot of chemistry there." Rodney went off in a daydream of Carter.

* * *

Carson and Lorne moved away from the bed.

"Well done, lad. I'll have to remember that one."

"It's an ill kept secret that he's got a crush on her. He's famous for it at the SGC, especially since she kissed him.

"What was that last bit?" Carson was shocked. It seemed that Rodney's stories of Carter weren't the exaggerations he'd believed.

"It was just a peck on the cheek. It's only really interesting because of the curse. There's a pool on how long he'll live. In fact, this bad luck might have something to do with it."

"Curse?"

"Yeah, anyone who Dr Carter kisses on the lips dies rather spectacularly. McKay was only kissed on the cheek, so he might survive."

"You can't actually believe that." Carson frowned, uneasily.

"Hey, I worked at the SGC for years. I've learned to believe the unbelievable."

Carson had to concede that point, just from the handful of reports he'd managed to wade through.

"Besides," Lorne continued, a dark look on his face. "I was there the day Martouf died." Carson decided not to ask any more. He didn't really want to know.

* * *

**I couldn't resist mentioning the curse. And that is the curse which shall fall on you, that is, if you don't review!**


	4. Chapter 4

Sumner had gathered five of his men in his office. Marines and Air Force personnel. He'd made discreet enquiries about who was having maintenance issues.

"I have heard rumours that you have been having trouble with your power and water supplies." He said. They just stood there at attention. "Well?"

"Yes, sir." They mumbled.

"Why haven't you approached the engineers to have the issues repaired?"

"We did, sir." One of the marines, Thompson, said.

"And?"

"Our techs fixed them up, sir. But the problems returned."

"Why haven't you spoken to the Science Department? Or Engineering?" Sumner kept his voice deceptively mild. "Our engineering corps are good, but maybe the other departments could fix what they can't."

"We did ask them!" Samuels, an Air Force Captain burst out. "But they..." He got a glare from Thompson.

"What?" Sumner asked.

"They don't seem to have time to see to our quarters." Thompson said mildly.

"Hmm. Well, they are short handed. I mean, you have heard about poor Dr McKay." There was a mumble of assent, and a couple of them dropped their eyes. "He's the Head of Science, and he very nearly died. It seems that he somehow got some citrus in his meatloaf."

"That's a shame, sir." Thompson said, face blank.

"Yes, it is." Sumner replied. "Let's get something straight. I've heard that some of the scientists have been harassed by some of the soldiers. I know the five of you were involved. I also know that the five of you haven't been part of the project for very long." He looked them over. Samuels looked especially guilty. "You have to understand that the scientists you bully today, may have your life in your hands tomorrow. It isn't a good idea to antagonise them. And as for doing something that might endanger the life of said scientist..." Sumner shook his head sadly. "The next time the world is in danger, you might seriously regret killing the one man who might just have been able to save us."

"Killing?" One of the marines gulped.

"Yes, killing. Dr McKay died and had to be resuscitated. He was very lucky that the oxygen deprivation didn't cause brain damage."

"Brain damage?" Samuels squeaked.

"Yes." Sumner said. "Whoever was moronic enough to poison our lead scientist very nearly ruined our chances of getting out of this galaxy. They nearly doomed this entire project."

"Poison? It wasn't poison." One of them said.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing." The marine backed down after a glance at Thompson.

"What would you call it? _Someone _put a foreign substance, which it is well known that Dr McKay cannot ingest without an adverse reaction, into his dinner, knowing he would eat it. That's practically the definition of poisoning someone."

"It wasn't..." Samuels said. He trailed off and glanced at Thompson, who slowly shook his head. Samuels visibly steeled himself and continued. "McKay, he exaggerates things. And when someone says allergic, you think a rash, or sneezing. Not..." he swallowed.

"I see. So, you think this was a prank?"

"Yeah."

"You think they didn't know what they were doing?"

"Yeah." A couple of them said it this time.

"You didn't mean to really hurt him?"

"Yeah..." They stopped, realising they had just tacitly confessed.

"Idiots!" Thompson spat. "He deserved it. He's such an arrogant asshole. He expects us to wait on him hand and foot, and then he just complains about everything we do!"

Sumner called for some of his _loyal_ soldiers to come and take them to the brig. They'd be court-martialled over this.

* * *

**So, the mystery is solved. **


	5. Chapter 5

**This is the final chapter, the tag to the Pegasus Project. It's been a while since I've seen this one, so if I screw something up, sorry. Also I know it is a bit of an abrupt shift from the last chapter. Sorry. **

* * *

**Several years later...**

Carson was furious. Rodney had just got back to Atlantis after being on _Prometheus _with SG1, and he'd been exhausted. He had barely slept the whole time and he'd refused to eat anything but the power bars he'd carried on board with him. He'd been borderline hypoglycaemic the entire time.

It had taken some doing, but Carson had finally wheedled the story from Rodney, who was trying to act as though it was no big deal. The same way he'd acted back then. Colonel Sheppard had given Mitchell a lemon to threaten Rodney with.

He made his was to Sheppard's quarters, and found Zelenka and Lorne standing by the door.

"What are you...?" He asked.

"We were waiting for you." Lorne said simply.

"You knew?"

"About the lemon? I was coming to see Rodney when he told you. I was outside the curtains." Zelenka replied.

"And he ran into me on the way down here. I heard about it from Cadman, who's spitting nails herself. She'd be here, but she was worried if she didn't calm down first she'd kill him." Lorne smiled slightly.

"So, why are you out here instead of in there, giving him a piece of your minds?"

"We knew you wouldn't be long." Lorne said simply.

"And you deserve first shot, you are one who has to patch Rodney up."

Carson grinned and pounded on the door.

* * *

"Carson?" John said, looking surprised as the door opened. "Dr Zelenka? Lorne? What's going on?"

All three entered without asking.

"Did you give Colonel Mitchell a lemon?" Carson asked, surprising himself with his level voice.

"That's what this is about? It was just a stupid prank." John rolled his eyes and went to flop down on the bed.

"With all due respect sir, no, it's not." Lorne said.

"Have you ever seen someone in anaphylactic shock?" Carson asked. "It starts with an itch, or a tingling on the lips. Then the swelling starts. The victim might pass out, or they might be conscious as their throat swells shut and they slowly suffocate. It's a very unpleasant way to die."

"I have seen it. I have seen Rodney have it." Zelenka said, quietly.

"We all have." Lorne added.

"The result of another 'stupid prank'." It came out as a snarl. "Rodney has barely eaten, and barely slept. He's clinically exhausted and borderline hypoglycaemic. He's probably been like this the whole time on that ship! He could have made a mistake and killed them all!"

"Mitchell never would have actually used the lemon." Sheppard had paled during the description of what happened during an allergy attack, but he waved off their concerns.

"And how well exactly do you know Colonel Mitchell?" Carson asked. "Because he did use it to threaten Rodney. Who was poisoned using lemon by a group of 3 marines and 2 members of the Air Force."

"What?" John sat upright.

"It was back in Antarctica." Lorne started. "They were bored, thought it would be funny to prank the annoying scientist. But they got... hostile."

"Hostile? Rodney had three cracked ribs! And valuable equipment, damaged. Data lost. They were cruel." Zelenka exclaimed. "I break hot water and power. We thought that was end to it."

"But it wasn't. It was my first day, and he was my first patient. He was going blue by the time he got to the infirmary. We didn't find out till the trial, but one of them, Thompson, he'd nicked off with McKay's epi pen. He nearly died, John."

"I didn't know..."

"You knew McKay is allergic to lemon." Lorne stated.

"You knew that he rubs people the wrong way and that Mitchell and McKay don't get on at the best of times." Zelenka added.

"And you still gave Mitchell a means to intimidate and harass the man who is supposed to be your good friend. Whether Mitchell used the lemon or not is irrelevant. Rodney believed he might, and that was enough." Carson shook his head. "If I wasn't the one who'd have to patch you up, I think I might punch you right now, Colonel."

"Can I punch him?" Zelenka asked, half serious.

"Nah. I'd have to stop you." Lorne said, sounding really disappointed. "He is still my commanding officer."

"I'd be careful if I were you." Carson said. "If I see you in my infirmary..." He trailed off. "Come on, let's go."

The three of them left and John sat on the end of his bed, head in hands.

* * *

**The End. I thought about doing an epilogue with John apologising to Rodney, or about what happened to the bad guys, but this story is about Rodney and Carson not them.  
Loved it? Loathed it? Thought it was alright? Not bothered either way? Let me know! **


End file.
